Thinking back on all the men in my life I realized I’ve only every been truly and totally in love with two men, Jack and Andy. It just doesn’t seem fair that I don’t get to keep at least one of them.
I’ve been in love with Jack for over 33 years. I found him again and he’s married. He did tell me though that he does want to see me if his job brings him close enough. Basically I told him that I didn’t think I would have sex with him because he was married. However all he’s going to have to do is put his arms around me and kiss me and I’ll say yes. I bet he knows that too.
Andy is probably just gone. I’m still talking to him in email but he seems a lot more distant now, like his time is occupied by other things and he just drops me a line here and there.
There was this man I fell in love with when I was 24. We had a summer together on wheat harvest and then he went home to Iowa and I went home to Kansas. I did a search and found him!!! I sent him a card and asked if it was him and if it was and if he wanted to get in touch to call me. HE DID!!!!!!!!!! When I mailed the card I didn’t think he would probably call me if he was married but he called me anyway and he has told me that he wants to see me again if he gets close to here.
I wan’t expecting him to call and was listening to my voice mail and all of a sudden there he was. I instantly burst into tears. I can’t believe it’s been 33 going on 34 years and I still feel the same about him. Then I called him and we talked for about 20 to 30 minutes early one morning.
I told him that I didn’t want him to change his life or me to change mine and he said he wanted to stay in touch and he wants to see me. I did pretty much tell him I wouldn’t have sex with him because he’s married now. I’m not sure I could stick to that if he wants to have sex. Yeah, I know about being the wife and all that shit but it’s not my marriage or my guilt. He’ll have to say yes first.
It’s really too bad he’s married. I think I would dump my life and go live with him. He totally blew Andy out of my mind the day I talked to him on the phone. I totally didn’t know I was still as much in love with him as I am and was kind of surprised by it. I knew I had always missed him but I had supressed the feelings I had for him. It totally came flooding back when I heard his voice.
<sigh> You would think a girl could get laid once in a while. You’d be wrong. I’ve talked to a whole lot of men and even made a date. He didn’t show up and the other 3 or 4 I’ve talked to just can’t make a date for one reason or another. Time is about to run out until after the middle of February. I think I start next week working 6 days a week and then the week after it’ll be at least 14 days before I get a day off. I’ll be too tired to get laid.
I decided I’m going to get another tattoo. I’m going to get a broken heart over a feather. I’ll have Andy’s name worked into the feather along the spine. The crack on the heart only goes about half way down and it has a drop of blood coming off the tip. Or maybe I’ll have him make it blue for a teardrop. He did “leave me with eyes that cry.”
And no time for anything else!! The kitchen is a wreck and it’ll stay that way until sunday. I’ll clean the kitchen and do laundry then. I work from 8 to 9 today and tomorrow and then we have a tax meeting saturday from 9 to 4. It’s over in Dodge and I’m one of the ones driving. We have to be at the office here by 7:45 so we can carpool over there. At least the food will be decent this time. Usually we end up with Papa Johns pizza. Yuck. But he couldn’t get the regular meeting place so he had to get the restaurant with the big meeting room so we’ll have good food.
Oh and Miss “I’ve been here a year and know everything” quit this week. I’m not at all sad about that. We also hired a new lady. I think she’s over 60 so the drama level should be decreased considerably.
Andy and I are still emailing. I told him I hoped he misses me as much as I miss him and he said “yes.” I hope he decides he wants me as much as I want him and will figure out how to make it happen.
I think I’m going to have to take down my craigslist ad. I just don’t have time for anything other than work and laundry right now!! LOL
For someone to get well I’m working on compacting things. The sewing room hasn’t been worked on for a while. I started with the closet. I compacted what was in there to two piles and then put the bags for my machine up there. They take up a lot of space. I unpacked one of the Ziplock totes into a large flat tote and put it under the cutting table for now. I have one more of the large flat totes so I can unpack one more of the Ziplock totes. The Ziplock totes are handy for packing and moving fabric if your not taking the furniture but they don’t stack all that great since they’re soft.
Speaking of furniture, I think I want the ironing dresser and the blue dresser out of storage and one of the oak bookcases. Getting my shit out of storage in Liberal is a goal this tax season. And it starts monday.
This is the beginning of the first year totally without SfB. I’m pretty sure last New Year’s Eve was spent at home because I couldn’t get rid of him. This NYE I went to a party and had a blast. They’re all way younger people and almost all of them are couples but it was still fun.
I have my fingers crossed for a man that has emailed me. He’s somebody I have no problems imagining myself in bed with and he’s at least closer to my age. Right now he has the flu. Which really sucks because this is the last weekend before tax season starts. I should have sundays off for most of January so there’s at least a chance of us getting together.
I am supposed to have a date with a much younger man saturday. I don’t know that I can do it though.