just some of the stupid things my mother has said


My mother comes up with some real stupidity once in awhile.

One time when she was at the house she opened the refrigerator and said “Why do you buy Heinz?  Don’t you know Hunts is better!!!”  I said “I don’t eat it and Bill don’t give a shit”

Then one time when she’d stayed over night I got up and fed the cats first thing.  They always got canned cat food first thing in the morning.  So she’s already up and sitting on the sofa.  I pop open the can and dump it out and chop it up.  She says “Why do you cut it up?”  Me “’cause cat’s can’t use silverware.”  Her, “Well why do you cut it in little squares?”  Me, “’cause circles are too hard.”  (unsaid, and triangles would just be stupid.)

This one was priceless.  It was at a family reunion and we were sitting at a picnic table in the park.  We were getting ready to get lunch out and she asked me if my car was locked.  I said “The windows are down.”  She says (in a rather snotty tone) “but is it unlocked?”  I repeated, “The windows are down.”  Then she pops off and says “well that doesn’t tell me if it’s unlocked.” got all huffy and went stomping off to the parking lot.  Seriously, how locked can it be with all the damn windows down???

This one wasn’t so much stupid as insensitive and snotty as hell.  We were in Alamosa to take the steam train ride.  We stayed at the big motel with a pool and nobody had brought suits so we were headed to Wal-Mart to buy my hubby and granddaughter suits so they could go swimming.  (I mentioned in my last post that one of the things I wasn’t allowed to do as a kid was go swimming.)  Anyway, we were driving along and she starts in about how she never got to swim because they lived out in the country and only had the canal to swim in blah, blah, fucking whine blah.  I finally had enough and said rather tersely “I didn’t exactly learn to swim either.”  Left unsaid was the part about me growing up IN TOWN, WITH a POOL, that had FREE RED CROSS swimming lessons.  She shut the hell up and didn’t say another word about it.

I’ll tell ya more when I remember them.


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